Golf Poem

Golf teeIn My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. 

By Its Size I Could Not Guess, 

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. 

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, 

I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell. 

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, 

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. 

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, 

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend. 

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry.

I Hate Myself And Want To Die. 

It Promises A Thing Called Par,

If I Can Hit It straight And Far..

To Master Such A Tiny Ball, 

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.. 

But My Desires The Ball Refuses, 

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Even Disappears Before My Eyes. 

Often It Will Have A Whim, 

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, 

And Swear That I Will Give It Up..

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows …. I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

Thanks Gene

Gotcha Golf

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he’d just escaped a tornado.

“What’s wrong?” a woman asked.

“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.

“What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen. How could he have beaten you?”

“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes – any handicap he wanted. He said, ‘Just give me two gotchas.'”

“What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman.

“That’s what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You’ll see.’ Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘Gotcha!‘”

“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.

“Sure,” the pro said. “The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”

“Understandable,” the woman said. “But still, that’s only one swing. How did he win the game?”

The pro answered, “You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!‘”

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10 Things the Cubs can do to win the World Series

Cubs suckI’m always thinking about baseball.  And the other day I was thinking about what it would take for the Cubs to win a World Series.  My first thought was a miracle.  Then I though that these 10 things would get them a World Series ring.

10 – The first 9 drunk off their rocker fans to get to the stadium will start in place of the players under contract.  I’m sure they can do better.

9 -Stop calling yourselves “The Lovable Losers” and start calling yourselves “The New York Yankees”.

8 -Dig up Ted Williams and Babe Ruth, ask Barry Bonds, Robbie Alomar, Robin Yount, Mike Schmit and Bob Gibson to come out of retirement.  Then stick them on the field.

7 -Thing to do #7 on this list doesn’t even matter.

6 -Hire God to manage the team.

5 -Sacrifice a real goat at home plate during the 7th inning stretch of every home game.

4 -Stop sucking.

3 -Make it mandatory that the visiting teams players do a keg stand at every base while the Cubs player stay sober.

2 -Stop being cheap and buy your World Series like every other team that has won the last 10 World Series.

1 – Tell every other team in the major league that the baseball season has been canceled and win the World Series by default.

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