Jokes

Meanwhile, at the pearly gates…

Pearly gatesWhen everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines:  One line for the men who were true heads of their household,  and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”
 
“I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
 
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
 
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
 
God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!”
 
“You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!”
 
“Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
 
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
 
The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to stand.”


Thanks Grace


 

Meanwhile, at a hotel restaurant…

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?”

He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Thanks Tommy Salami

 

It’s time to settle down…

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. 

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then made a very difficult decision.  He. . . . . . . . .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Married the one with the largest breasts.

Thanks Russ

 

A few classic blonde jokes

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’ Carol explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.’ Donna got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see ‘Closed for the winter.’

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her. ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied. ‘What?’ sputtered the Doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’ ‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’ ‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos…..it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’  ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that?’ he asked. ‘Why, that’s a thermos…..it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied. Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’ The blond replied…….’Two popsicles and some coffee.’

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’ The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’ The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.’ ‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.’ The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. ‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks. ‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my twin sister. Her mother died, too!’

Thanks Gene

Old folks jokes

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:  ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. ….Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.  

 ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.  ‘Where’s my toast ?’

Thanks Gene