A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally, the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’
Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’
My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull in to the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND .”
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“The rope should be around your neck”, says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?”
To which the blond man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!