55 thoughts on “FREE MERCH for JOKES!”

  1. Hi guys.. if you’re a regular contributor by email – please shoot me your t-shirt size..
    Other winners will be contacted by the email you provide when leaving comments – so be sure that it’s correct, please. THANKS so much – we love you guys.. now get to cracking some jokes!!!

  5. An employer is in a meeting with an employee about a drug test.
    Employer: Your drug test came back positive for opium.
    Employee: I can explain that, I had a bagel with poppy seeds.
    Employer: It also showed Cocaine, narcotic mushrooms and Marijuana.
    Employee: It was an everything bagel.

  6. A house in a small town caught fire so the local fire department was called to put it out. However, the fire was far too much for the department to handle on their own so someone suggested that a nearby volunteer group be called to action. Despite some doubt that the volunteers would be of any assistance, the call was made.

    The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

    Meanwhile, a small crowd had gathered to watch the firemen at work. Everyone was so impressed with the brave work of the volunteer fire department they began cheering. The owner of the building was so happy with their work, she provided the group with a cheque for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

    “That ought to be obvious, ” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid truck!”

  8. Did you hear about the man who wanted a brain transplant?

    Fortunately, the doctors were able to change his mind.

  10. I’d like to thank whomever told my Mom that “WTF” means “Wow that’s Fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now!

  11. The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried-and-true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

    This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
    All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
    Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said:
    “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here… these coyotes ain’t f*ckin’ our sheep… they’re eatin’ them!”
    The meeting never really got back to order.

  12. What did Tattoo (in TV series Fantasy Island) say when he stubbed his toe on his way up the tower steps to look for the airplane?….

    The pain! The pain!

    Mens 2X

  13. My wife was in labor. A nurse came into the room and said “Epidural anesthesia?” I said “No, Thank you. We’ve already picked out a name.”

  14. I played Frisbee with my dog. It didn’t go well. Next time I think I’ll use one of those round spinning discs.

  16. Hearing that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing a Catholic Priest, who was raising money for an orphanage, immediately, goes to the local auction to see what is offered. The going prices were way too high for a good quarter horse, so the Priest left feeling rather saddened.

    As he was walking out the gate he bumped into a local farmer who was entering the auction with a donkey. Having only $25 dollars he offered the farmer the money for the donkey. The poor farmer gladly accepted it and the Priest returned home.

    A week later the Priest, figuring he had nothing to lose, entered the donkey in the races and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

    The next day the local paper carried this headline…”Priest’s Ass Shows.” This type of publicity was noticed by the local Bishop, who immediately called the Priest and expressed his dismay, but allowed the races to continue.

    The next week the Priest entered the donkey again and to his amazement the Donkey won the race…the next day the local paper carried this headline…”Priest’s Ass Out in Front!” The Bishop immediately phones the Priest and says the priest could not enter anymore races. It was too humiliating for the Church due to the recent publicity, etc.

    The next day’s paper carried this headline…”Bishop, scratches Preacher’s Ass!” The Bishop became furious and again called the Priest stating he must immediately get rid of the donkey.

    The Priest took the animal to the Orphanage and gave the Donkey to the Head Nun.

    The next day the paper’s headline read…”Nun has the best Ass in town.”

    Upon hearing the news the Bishop fainted. The Priest was once again called upon to assist the Nun in getting rid of the Donkey. The Priest located the farmer and convinced him to take back the Donkey and return the money. Reluctantly the farmer agreed and the next day’s paper read…”Priest peddles Nun’s Ass for $25!”

    The next day, the paper read, “Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop’s Death.”

    Wake services for the Bishop were held the next Saturday at noon in St. Marks’ Cathedral. The donkey attended with the old farmer.

    Men’s 2X

  17. Scientist: I’ve successfully grown human vocal cords on a Petri plate.
    Reporter: Do they work?
    Scientist: The results speak for themselves!

  19. A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll show you something really cool if you give me a beer.” Bartender hands him a beer. Guy pulls out a 10″ pianist from his pocket and he plays amazingly. Bartender says, “You are right, that is cool. Where did you get it?”. Guy says, “Well, I have a tiny wizard in the other pocket and if you give me another beer, he will give you a wish!” Bartender says, “Hell yeah-I would like one hundred thousand bucks!”. From out of nowhere, the bar fills up with one hundred thousand ducks! Bartender says, “Wait, I said BUCKS, not DUCKS!”. Guys says, “Sorry buddy, do you think I wanted a 10″ pianist?”.

  20. Random southern European restaurant.
    A little boy with his grandpa are sitting in a restaurant, waiter takes their order.
    Later on the waiter is coming back with the food, the little boy and his grandpa are gone and a middle-aged man is sitting at the same table.
    Waiter: “Excuse me sir, have you seen a little boy and an old man? I brought their order.
    Man: “The old man died a long time ago. The little boy is me.”

  21. How do you find the sex of an ant?

    Get a glass of water and put the ant in it.
    If it sinks – it’s a girl ant
    If it floats – it’s buoyant

  22. What do fat women and mopeds have in common?

    They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you.

  23. An apple pie in Jamaica is $2.50, $3 in the Bahamas and $4.25 in Barbados

    These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

  24. In 1978, amateur astrophysicists Frederique Mercury and Brian May posited that the planet’s axial rotation was due to sizably-posteriored members of the female population.

    In 40 years, this theory has yet to be disproven or even refuted by the scientific community at large

  25. What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
    Beer nuts cost a dollar thirty five. Deer nuts are under a buck.

  29. My best Rodney Dangerfield impression, “Hey talk about an ugly baby, when I was born the my Mom asked the Doctor what I was. The Doctor said, I”m going to drop it, if it runs its a rat if it flys its a bat.”

  30. Two Irish nuns are sitting in their car at a traffic light in Dublin, when a couple of rowdy drunks pull up alongside and one shouts, “Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” Shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says, “I don’t think they know who we are … show them your cross.” Sister Mary rolls down her window and yells, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, and innocently asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

  31. An Irishman was bet $100 that he couldn’t drink 10 shots in 10 seconds. He left the pub for a time, then came back, took the bet, and won! While he was being congratulated, the question was asked why he left the pub. The Irishman replied, “I just wanted to see if I could do it before taking the bet.”

  32. Three guys go to a ski lodge where there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,
    “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.

  33. I was playing guitar in the subway for tips, and no matter how well I played, people just were not responding. My girlfriend came to listen one day, and she said, “Let’s get some props, you know, people have to stop and look, something to grab their attention. She gets to work and the next thing I know she’s make these tiny brass poles, with little red velvet ropes connecting them, there’s a tiny ticket booth in front of it with my hat in the center, like I’m a giant playing at a tiny venue. I had to admit it looked really cool.
    My first day everything works incredibly. The next day I see some of the same faces, my girlfriend is there, picking up gigs for construction, and the whole crowd is loving the music and the tiny theater in front, but suddenly this homeless woman ambles by, and before anyone could say anything she just barges right over all the props without slowing down a bit. The audience was furious. People were yelling at her, and cussing her, but I said, “Stop! Stop harassing her, it’s just a stage she’s going through.”

  35. Did I tell you about my friend Ron Kellogg? He’s a farmer. He raises sheep. He has this one male sheep that is really mean. Ron has quite a few crows that hang around his farm. A group of ten crows is called a swoop. He has at least twenty crows on his farm.

    The crows tease that male sheep. The fly down in the pasture and hassle him. He chases the crows. The crows try to lure that old male sheep to run as fast as he can, and they sucker him into running into the fence post. One day that old male sheep crushed one of the crows against the fence post and the other crows got really mad.

    Ron Kellogg was out baling hay and he accidentally left the gate open to the sheep pasture. The crows saw their chance. They flew down in front of that male sheep and lured him into chasing them. They kept flying low and he chased them out of the pasture and into they hay field. The crows kept luring him until he ran right in front of the hay baler. He got caught up in the baler and got spit out the other side, all crushed and squeezed and wrapped up in baling wire. The crows landed on him and mocked him.

    So you could say there were two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellogg’s brazen ram

  36. During combat, I started using a bayonet to conserve ammunition.

    Apparently, that’s not allowed in paintball.

  37. I found a really good recipe for dinner rolls. The recipe came from Morocco. One of the things that made the recipe unique was that it included thyme.

    I checked our spice cabinet. We had some thyme, but the “Best Used By” date had long past. I used it in the recipe anyway.

    The rolls tasted great.

    As I reminisce, I like those old thyme Moroccan rolls.

  38. An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

    Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. “Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the diplomat.

    “A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “But a man is sitting on the well!”

  39. Did you hear about the problem at the Tickle Me Elmo doll factory?

    They hired a young lady to work as a quality control inspector. They gave her limited guidance and put her on the shop floor to perform inspections.

    After a week, the production foreman went to HR and said “We need to fire the new inspector. She’s got production backed up horribly. We can’t get our shipments out.”

    The HR manager wanted to see for himself. The HR manager and the production foreman went to the shop floor. Tickle Me Elmo dolls were piled up everywhere.

    As they approached the new inspector’s work station, they saw that she had a large pile of small cloth strips next to her. She also had a big bag of marbles.

    Drawing nearer, the HR manager saw the new inspector take one piece of cloth, two marbles, and she began sewing the cloth containing the marbles to the doll right between the dolls legs.

    The HR manager told the foreman “I see what the problem is.”

    The HR manager approached the new inspector and said “You misunderstood your job. You are supposed to give each doll two test tickles.”

  40. My wife bought me a new set of bathroom scales.

    After a few days, she asked “Do you like your new scales?”

    I said “Yes. They are very accurate. I now know how much my poop weighs.”

    She said “Do you weigh yourself, go poop and then weigh yourself again?”

    I thought about it and said “I guess that technique would work.”

  41. A lady heard that her 94 year old grandfather had just passed away. She rushed to her grandmother’s side.

    “Grandma, how did Grandpa die?”

    “He died on Sunday morning while we were making love.”

    “At your ages, you are still making love?”

    “We only make love on Sunday mornings. We let the church bells set the pace. As they slowly ring ding……dong….ding…..dong, we make love. Your grandfather would still be alive if that darn ice cream truck hadn’t driven by.”

  42. I woke up in the hospital with the Doctor next to me.
    I said “Doc, how am I doing?”
    He said “Mercury is rising in Uranus.”
    I said “Doc, I’m not into that astrology stuff.”
    He said “Me, neither. While you were asleep, I tried to take your temperature and my rectal thermometer broke.”

  45. A secretary at the office asked if she could use my Dictaphone. I told her, no. Use your finger like everybody else.

  46. A secretary at the office if she could use my Dictaphone. I said no, use your finger like everybody else.

  47. A friend and I stopped by Hooters for some wings and a beer last week. As we sat admiring the specialties of the house, he asked me, “Which one of these waitresses would you like to be with if you got stuck in an elevator?”
    I told him, “I want to be with the one that has a side job repairing elevators, I’m old, I stay tired and I need to pee pretty often.”

  48. At the doctors for my annual check up and he told me that I had to stop masturbating, when i asked why, he said “ because l’m trying to take your blood pressure “

  49. Q. What’s the difference between a rattlesnake and a two-inch dick?

    A. Nothing. Nobody’s gonna fuck with either one.

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