You’d have to be an Old Timer, like me, to remember Crocodile Dundee, and his adventures in the city. One of the more memorable scenes is… here this guy is, fresh out of the Outback, and he encounters a bidet.
The most memorable scene might be, “This is a knife!” and certainly none of us really want any more detail, no pun intended, on what people do in the bathroom with that particular device, but the Time of Plague had taught us many lessons about our fellow human beings, and the first of which is “People are stupid.”
Despite there being no evidence of a shortage, or an upcoming shortage, or any sort of real data suggesting something even remotely affecting the toilet paper supply, people began to buy toilet paper en masse, because other people were doing it. And water. Most people either have a well or some municipal supple line, but for reasons that escape most of us, there were those who thought the plague brought us drought.
But back to the toilet paper. Not since the roll under/ roll over debate, as which way the toilet paper should be installed on the holder and for those of us who are single men, that point is moot, there’s never been a time when bidets have been more talked about.
First, let me say, I have never used one. I have never even seen one. But I’m thinking about installing one in my bathroom, just to see if it would be better or worse, or pretty much the same.
People are stupid. The next big crisis, be it Murder Hornets or the release of another Justina Beaver album, might cause another toilet paper shortage.
Oh, what is a bidet? Basically, it’s the touch-free carwash version of toilet paper. Instead of the corpse of a tree, a stream of water does the job. My research into the subject, while sober and not while sitting on the toilet, mind you, suggests the models start out fairly cheap and very simple, with a jet of water cleaning the suggested area, to models that have temperature control for those cold mornings you just cannot bear the idea of icy water on the nether regions. Or perhaps the night of Carolina Reaper Chili allowing you a cooling jet to relieve the agony of heat and arrogance of eating peppers that were sure to haunt you.
There’s some appeal to this, you must admit.
There’s also a model that would allow you to sit and be air-dried, by gentle fans that would blow either hot air or cooler air upon your bottom.
My grandparents, both sets of which used outhouses and corncobs, would be amused by this, to be sure.
Yet my personal experience in this matter is null and void. I’ve never seen one. Is there anyone out there who owns one? Has used one? Pros? Cons? Horror stories of high pressure misadjusted jets blasting away at tender spots and screaming agony? (Just kidding)
Anyone out there using one right now, as they read this?
Mike writes regularly at his site: The Hickory Head Hermit. Opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the management of this site.