Friday Firesmith – The Bottom Line

You’d have to be an Old Timer, like me, to remember Crocodile Dundee, and his adventures in the city. One of the more memorable scenes is… here this guy is, fresh out of the Outback, and he encounters a bidet.

The most memorable scene might be, “This is a knife!” and certainly none of us really want any more detail, no pun intended, on what people do in the bathroom with that particular device, but the Time of Plague had taught us many lessons about our fellow human beings, and the first of which is “People are stupid.”

Despite there being no evidence of a shortage, or an upcoming shortage, or any sort of real data suggesting something even remotely affecting the toilet paper supply, people began to buy toilet paper en masse, because other people were doing it. And water. Most people either have a well or some municipal supple line, but for reasons that escape most of us, there were those who thought the plague brought us drought.

But back to the toilet paper. Not since the roll under/ roll over debate, as which way the toilet paper should be installed on the holder and for those of us who are single men, that point is moot, there’s never been a time when bidets have been more talked about.

First, let me say, I have never used one. I have never even seen one. But I’m thinking about installing one in my bathroom, just to see if it would be better or worse, or pretty much the same.

Why?

People are stupid. The next big crisis, be it Murder Hornets or the release of another Justina Beaver album, might cause another toilet paper shortage.

Oh, what is a bidet? Basically, it’s the touch-free carwash version of toilet paper. Instead of the corpse of a tree, a stream of water does the job. My research into the subject, while sober and not while sitting on the toilet, mind you, suggests the models start out fairly cheap and very simple, with a jet of water cleaning the suggested area, to models that have temperature control for those cold mornings you just cannot bear the idea of icy water on the nether regions. Or perhaps the night of Carolina Reaper Chili allowing you a cooling jet to relieve the agony of heat and arrogance of eating peppers that were sure to haunt you.

There’s some appeal to this, you must admit.
There’s also a model that would allow you to sit and be air-dried, by gentle fans that would blow either hot air or cooler air upon your bottom.

My grandparents, both sets of which used outhouses and corncobs, would be amused by this, to be sure.

Yet my personal experience in this matter is null and void. I’ve never seen one. Is there anyone out there who owns one? Has used one? Pros? Cons? Horror stories of high pressure misadjusted jets blasting away at tender spots and screaming agony? (Just kidding)

Anyone out there using one right now, as they read this?

Take Care,
Mike

Mike writes regularly at his site:  The Hickory Head Hermit. Opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the management of this site.

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27 thoughts on “Friday Firesmith – The Bottom Line”

  1. Hi Mike, well this makes it official , I’m an Old Timer.
    I remember the Dundee movies and the theater I watched them in.
    Theater has been gone now for about 25 years – further evidence of my membership in the Old Timers club.

    A few times a year while cooking something up in the kitchen with my better half I’ll ask her to pass me a knife.
    Sometimes she makes a good selection and gets one that will do the job.
    Most times she passes something not useful for anything but spreading peanut butter.
    When this happens I get the one I want and say to her ….THAT’s not a knife, THIS is a KNIFE !
    Funny how some things from movies and television stay in a persons memory . (an alarming number of mine seem to be from watching Bugs Bunny)

    Anyway about the bidet topic.
    I saw one once in a hotel in Italy.
    Knew that it was for washing your backside thanks to the Dundee movie but was not brave enough to try it out.

    Take care, Scott from Halifax

  2. Funny you should ask! Just yesterday, I installed a bidet-type device, so my usage history is pretty short, but based on one encounter, I can say “Wow! This is wonderful!” so, yes, your reaction to cold water on your nethers is a reasonable one, but almost immediately you get used to it. Installation was simple even for a non-plumber. Jon may not approve of brand name mentioning, but with his OK, I would share more details. Less than $100 delivered. I think you’ll like it!

    Ed in Nawth NH

    • This is absolutely correct. A big plus 1 for the bidet attachment from me. Once you’ve tried it you will never go back.

    • You can mention the name of the product and/or the company as long as you have no affiliation with them other than as a customer.

      • I really like the Brondell Thinline SimpleSpa model SS-150 from Amazon. Quality seems to be very good and includes all top quality fittings and hose for standard toilet installation. And, it’s made in SanFrancisco, USA. Oh yeah, and installation was easy and it works very well too.

      • Disclaimer: I’ve no connection with the product seller other than being a satisfied customer.

        Mike, the Tushy washlet – http://www.hellotushy.com comes with pretty clear instructions. You turn off the water supply to your toilet, flush to drain the tank, unhook the supply to the tank, install by hand the “splitter” (a plastic thingie that provides water to the washlet), hook the supply to the splitter and the splitter to the washlet via the supplied flexible hose. [If your supply to the tank is solid, rather than flexible, you’ll have to make a trip to the hardware store.] Next, remove the toilet seat, lay the washlet in place and replace the toilet seat. Turn the water back on, and Bob’s yer uncle! I am not super-handy with plumbing, but this really was easy – took me 15 minutes or so. YMMV as there can be minor issues depending on such things as the length of the screws holding the seat to the toilet base, etc.. And, now, after several useages, I like it even more. E-mail me if you have questions!

        Ed in Nawth NH

          • Mike, you’re welcome. Be prepared for a wait, potentially; I ordered mine 6 weeks ago directly from Tushy, and all of the basic units on Amazon were out of stock. If you decide to do it, you’ll be joining a large group of cleaners! 🙂

            Ed in Nawth NH

  3. My son and daughter-in-law began using one three years ago. They raved about it and said they couldn’t go back to TP. So two years ago, I bought one. After about a two month period of getting used to it, I started raving about mine. My wife, who is a slow adopter, decided to try it. I bought a second one for the master bath a year ago. Two months or so later, she was convinced.
    We bought low cost Luxe Neo 120 units for about $40. They install under the toilet seat bolts and connect to the toilet inlet pipe for cold water only. It is a good starter unit. The kit comes with a “T” connection for water, and it is an easy DIY job. (One extra suggestion would be to add a small cutoff valve next to the “T” valve, as I have read some stories of units breaking down and leaking after a couple of years and. The valves are cheap and give you a place to turn off the water after using the bidet.)
    The Luxe has a knob next to the seat, and at first you will want to use it at a low pressure setting. Winter cold water takes a bit of getting used to, but after a few weeks, it won’t bother you.
    Long story short: Rave, rave, rave… Some of it impolite for mixed company or people you don’t know very well, but rave, rave some more. I hate whenever the “urge” hits me anywhere that I can get home to use my bidet.

    • PS: I seem to remember Jonco posting about getting one or thinking about getting one about the same time I bought my first one. Wonder what his experience has been?

      • I don’t have one and I don’t remember mentioning getting one, but the idea intrigues me, I must say. I think the idea of that cold, cold water on my bits & pieces could keep me from doing it. I don’t have an electrical outlet nearby to add some kind of heated unit there or I probably would have gotten one by now.

        • Jonco, your concern about thermal shock is understandable. Most of the basic units all use water at tap temperature, close to room temp. My experience has been (limited to two days use) that initially I startled but quickly got used to the temp, and frankly now find it rather pleasant! Heated would be OK, but I didn’t want to spend more money, and have to run electricity to the Tushy.

          Ed in Nawth NH

  4. We bought one a few weeks ago. Ours has the seat warmer and reservoir to warm the water. I personally like it and it has cut down on the TP use considerably.

  5. I used one at the hotel in Spain for a couple weeks and didn’t like it because it left the hair wet. Yeah, I’m pretty hairy. I know they have fancy units with blow dryers but hooking electricity to my toilet is counter-intuitive.
    I noticed after my EX moved out the toilet paper lasted 4 or 5 times as long. I suspect ladies, or at least some ladies, use it to dry the front more often than to wipe the back. Certainly wouldn’t use the same piece to do both.

  6. I’m a big fan of them. About November I installed a couple basic units (BioBidet Elite3 for about $41) and now my wife and I love them. Just the cold water ones are fine for us in Los Angeles… I noticed that the prices have gone up for these since there is more of a demand now.

    • TMAR,

      Yeah, I could see prices going up because of the plague, but the money saved on paper.

      Thanks!

  7. What can I say, its “Poseidon’s kiss at the touch of a button”. Had ours for about a year now. I think it’s like the one that Danny described earlier. I’m too lazy to get up and go look. Available on Amazon for about $40. Easy to install, you get used to the cold after awhile. they also have an option that hooks up to the hot water as well, but that sounded like too much plumbing. We probably don’t use that much less paper as we’re not into drip drying.

    • Phil, my research has not revealed anyone but yourself with that sort of description, but it will do.

      I’m no plumber and I can’t see me trying to hook one up for hot water either, but the warm water reservoir seems like a good idea.

  8. In 2018 DH and I visited Nisei (step)family in suburban Los Angeles, and stayed in a Japanese-oriented area hotel. Which hotel bathrooms had electrical bidets. Oh my. Seriously: oh my! Cleanliness and comfort taken to a level I had never before considered even possible. It felt like true hedonism. Water hot warm cool. Water flow light medium heavy. Water angle point here or point there. Did I say oh my?!! It took me a full day to realize that toilet paper was totally unnecessary, I was so clean playing with this fancy bidet.

    I will dream about that bidet the rest of my life. 🙂

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