Friday Firesmith – Shopping Hell

I rather be beaten with a stick soaked in pepper spray while lying face down in a fire ant bed than do business with Mal Wart. The only thing I hate worse than Mal Wart is shopping. I know what I need, I know where it is, I know how much it cost, and all that’s left to do is go in and get it. Simple enough, right? The issue is there are people in stores. No, not the folk stocking shelves, and there sure as hell aren’t cashiers enough to go around, oh no, I mean customers. Those people, slack-jawed mouth-breathing cousin-marrying repetitive-head-injury customers, who have no idea why they are in the store, or that there are other people there, also.

More than anything else I have seen in my life, the way people behave when they are shopping bolsters the idea that we are truly screwed and cannot survive ourselves. People block aisles, they bring their crotch goblins in with them, and they act like they are all alone in their own private universe, with no one else trying to get in, get out, and avoid listening to their offspring sing the song of their people.

Just once, just once in my life, I would like to grab someone by the neck, lift that person totally off the ground about three feet, put my face as close to theirs as I could, and whisper, “Get the &^%$ out of the way, please.”

Physically speaking, that’s not likely. I would also like to invent a device that allows a child to breathe enough to live, but not enough to scream. Legally speaking, that’s not likely to happen, either.

And suddenly, Mal Wart saves the day?

As much as I hate it, I can sit at home, use my cell phone to put things in a shopping cart I don’t have to wipe down for Ebola and Goblin Snot, push a button, and then go to the Mal Wart parking lot, and they’ll bring my stuff out for me, load it into my truck, and I don’t have to get near another human being.

It’s a deal with the devil, sure, but it’s a bargain I am more than willing to accept.
Oh, and get this, they always put something in my truck I didn’t order or pay for. Usually, it’s like bathroom cleaner or something like that, but they did add a box of tampons last week. I left the box on the steps of the Post Office on my way home. Someone will find them and give them a home, so to speak.

Yes, I know. I know the arguments about buying local and I never buy meat or fruit or vegetables from Satan because it makes me nervous to think about some methed-up trailer park Goblin Hatcher walking around aimlessly for an hour then putting a container of chicken down on a sofa made by slave labor and some less than minimum wage worker restocking it the next day.

Yet, all the stuff I know I’m going through during the week can be picked up without me having to deal with other people. I always said I’d sell my soul to have that.

So I did.

Take Care,

Mike writes regularly at his site:  The Hickory Head Hermit.

Opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the management of this site.

22 thoughts on “Friday Firesmith – Shopping Hell”

  1. I am the same way I go on get what I need and get out the Kroger here has one cashier but they did just put in 6 more self checkouts OH JOY gotta love the ones that go in the 10 or 15 items line with 50 items

  2. I am not ready to have other people choose which produce I select from the bin; Gotta draw the line there; but I’m all for not having to go in the store for most things.

    also wally world meat is NOT fresh; they use UV lighting to keep it looking ‘red’ but when you peel away the sticker it’s always brown underneath…

  3. Even better, Wal-Mart home delivery. Now I don’t even have to deal with crazy and inconsiderate drivers. And, at $98 a year just gas would cost more than that. Another benefit, without impulse buying, grocery bill is lower $10 – $20 per week.

  4. Food isn’t a problem (except it makes me fat) since I discovered Wegmans is open 24-7. Plenty of parking and the help is pleasant at 2, 3 or 4 AM.
    My problem is everything else I want to buy. I don’t know where to get it and the thought of canvassing stores looking (you know, shopping) makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
    So I turn to Amazon when I’d rather do local. I’m part of the problem.

  5. I despise grocery shopping. There is always someone there who hasn’t seen someone else there in so long!! Great, kindly get each others number and move on, you’re slowing the rest of us down. And gather your crotch goblins up as well. I haven’t tried the order it and pick it up thing yet, but I’m interested. We have HEB here, so not quite as bad as the demon chain. It’s actually a fairly nice store. Much better produce.

  6. Imagine this one. I had made Paramedic supervisor and was working the 7p-7a shift. Usually, I am awake all night and doing paperwork while others are sleeping, etc.

    During this time our dispatch center was the hospital switchboard through the local PD. When the graveyard operator would come on duty and after settling she would page me, separate pager, and invite me to coffee. I’d drive the supervisor unit over and park under the admission apron and then go in a side door and join dispatch for coffee.

    In those days, the modern day planners were the rage, I had one, and we would talk about calls coming into the hospital at 1:00am. The hospital would also take after hour calls for the local doctors office. The operator, Linda, would look at me and say: You have nothing better to do and you couldn’t have done this during the day when the doctors office was open?

    I would look at Linda and in all seriousness, say: These people take out their day planner and enter a future date of that said call and annoy the hospital/doctors office. She would always agree with me. Those kids from that era are now adults and have the own F*%K Trophies and everything has slowly gotten worse.

    Modern Definitions:
    Blocking the aisle: Oh; I haven’t seen you since work 2-3 hours ago.
    Kids screaming & being ignored. Don’t tell me how to parent, I am sure you were no pro.
    Kids running in the store: They have ADD and need to let off steam.
    Running a red light in front of you: I don’t know how to drive safely or courteously.
    Drives out in front of you: As a kid ran out in front of you between cars without looking, rode their bicycle out in front of you in front of two cars. Either way the almost resulting crash was your fault because you were wrong and speeding at 5MPH.
    Kids who won’t sit down in a restaurant (parents ignoring them) because being underfoot and the waitress with stacks of dishes needs to trip as she didn’t see you and people love to wait longer for a remake on their meal.
    Throwing out the words: My kid has Autism, usually means I won’t parent. No offense to those who’s kids actually have autism.
    People who believe their dog is family and must go into the store. Neither the dog or the person with said dog have bathed in ????? Oh, and my fave: Let your black lab jump up onto the sample counter in Costco and causing everything open to be tossed and the worker having to close and clean-up and did you offer to help clean up the mess your “kid” made?

    Now people know why I wait till after midnight to shop at the 24/7 store. Some-days, I have to go in during normal business hours and it’s for those times I wish I also had a cell phone jammer.


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