As someone who doesn’t have kids, never wanted kids, and by and large, doesn’t like the critters at all, I have some issues with people who allow their children to run free. I spend a lot of time leash training my dogs so they’ll behave in public. You’d get some truly freaked out people if everyone just allowed their dogs to run around in stores barking and knocking things over, but for some parents it’s easier to let the public deal with their offspring than having to train them or rein them in.
I have an idea.
Leash your children. Not at home or in a water park mind you, because wet leashes would disintegrate over time and be costly, but in public, all children under the age of ten ought to be under the direct control of their owners, uh, parents. Also, despite what I might have said about the subject in the past, I am somewhat opposed to the use of shock collars on children to keep them from screaming in public especially in restaurants where abandoning a meal is the only escape from the screeching sound of child whose parents are either deaf or indifferent to the suffering of their fellow patrons.
Also, I am not talking about the use of choke collars for kids, either. A simple leather or synthetic collar, colorful and loosely fit about the neck would be fine. Vaccination tags ought to be presented and those who are anti-vaccination could wear a collar with their parents’ names on them so we’ll know who to blame for the next plague. Moreover, all leashes could come in color coded tones so strangers and the unwary would know the temperament of the child as in, wipes boogers on everything, drools, still has no control over bodily functions, bites, screams loudly, or asks inappropriate questions in public. Children wearing plaid leashes would be assumed to be socially dysfunctional and to be avoided at all costs. The leashes could act as a means of restraint and control and also a device that would serve as a warning if the child is truly a menace.
As Americans age it’s important that we consider the safety of older folk. Leashing children in public will ensure that uncontrolled and rampaging kids are a thing of the past. We can look to a future without a wild pack of brats knocking down senior citizens or trampling lawns with total disregard. Moreover, child abduction will be a thing of the past as all children will be securely tied to their owners, uh, parents.
Also, now that we are on the subject, I would also like to suggest the Quiet Closet. This would be a small room, about the size of a gym locker, with lots of sound proof padding, where a screaming child could be secured until it, I mean he or she, settles down. They would be installed in stores and restaurants and there would even be a light that would go out when the child had finally exhausted its vocal protests.
I now await the adulation and accolades that will doubtlessly come my way from people with children, as I have offered sound solutions to their problem kids.
In advance, you’re quite welcome.