Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal – and someone always answers.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking –A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
Thanks Gene
Here’s a ‘practical application’ to the Law of Physical Surfaces:
The Question:
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down (Murphy’s Law). If a cat is dropped from a window, or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
But what happens if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up, to the cat’s back and toss the composite out of the window? Will the cat land on its feet, or will the butter splat on the ground?
The Answer:
This answer is fairly easy to deduce, without even carrying out the experiment. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot smash its back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore, it simply doesn’t fall.
This is the secret of antigravity. A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equillibrium. This point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat’s limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs, they will immediately plummet. Of course, the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn’t do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing, several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
A corollary to the law of close encounters involves the increase in the chance of being seen by somebody that you know while you are wearing scruffy clothes and uncombed hair…
Richard, that’s what happened to Jonco in Nashville.