Friday Firesmith – Cell Hell

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I was one of the last holdouts for reason. I stood, seemingly alone, against the tide. When everyone else fell to seduction I, Mike Firesmith, was the beacon of hope in a dark, dark, world.  The battle could be won, I prayed, if one good man could stand up and say, “No more!” and there I stood and against many voices mine was true.

Then I met a woman who worked for a cell phone company and she talked me into getting one.

It was an odd thing having a cell phone was, because I hated the damn things. Yet the woman was a good woman, and she liked to text me at odd points in the day to tell me she missed me, and although it took some doing, I learned to text. The good woman, as all good women do in my life, went away, but left the cell phone. I had signed a contract. I was locked in. I was trapped, trapped like a rat I tell you. Squeak! Squeak I say!

Then they went and got cell phones at work so I had two. Two! Who the hell is so damn important they have to have TWO cell phones? The president and I have two cells apiece, just in case of nuclear war or a mutt emergency. Instant communication is vital in this world where once upon a time in my life, I didn’t so much as have a landline. I remember the good old days when a phone booth was all you really needed to call some woman and… No, I didn’t have anything to do with the cave paintings, what the hell are you saying?

I remember the day a woman, not quite as good as the first, broke up with me via text. It was an odd feeling. But at least she did it in whole words, not text speak, and she didn’t end it with lol. Instant communications does have it drawbacks. People could once take an hour or so to get to a phone and by that time they might have cooled off a bit.

The smart phone thing gets past me but those who have them love them. It’s a lot like having kids, I suppose. Other people children might drive you up the damn wall but when we’re talking about your little angels it’s another story, huh? Mostly it’s ring tones these days that irritate me because it’s like hearing ten seconds of a really bad song that was a one hit wonder back in the 80’s. A co-corker had “Crazy Train” as a ring tone and to hear the beginning of that song ten or twelve times a day drove people…crazy. What happened to a simple sound to alert you someone is trying to call? Does every single event in your day have to be personalized?  Why not have a ring tone go off when you brush your teeth, which by the way, had this guy done a little more of that, it would have helped.

Don’t text and drive. I had a woman nearly kill me yesterday because she was texting as she pulled out of her driveway. I had to pass her on the shoulder of the road to keep from hitting her and she was texting away the whole time. You could once safely thumb a ride to anywhere and now it’s dangerous to thumb while you’re driving.

I’m not saying cell phones are evil and the downfall of civilization and it doesn’t cause homosexuality in lab rats. What I am saying is you ought not let your cell phone influence or pollute anyone else’s life. No one cares if you love Ozzy. No one wants to dodge while you text. No one in a movie theater wants to see the light of your cell phone go off while you’re texting someone telling them what a great movie you are about to be murdered while watching. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s part of the cave that needs painting.

Take Care,


Mike writes regularly at his site:  The Hickory Head Hermit

Opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the management of this site.

20 thoughts on “Friday Firesmith – Cell Hell”

  1. The worse thing about cell phones is that you can’t violently SLAM the damn thing down to end a call from you-know-who. Somehow, pressing the little “end” button really hard just isn’t the same.

    • Those old rotary dial phones could take a good slamming! Cell phones- not so much, they tend to wind up in pieces. You are right DJ, it is very hard to hang up loudly on some one. CU-LICK, just not the same. I don’t have a smart phone by the way, my cell phone has a camera, but dies if I try to send a picture.

  2. I still use the same pay-as-you-go phone that I bought about ten years ago. I use it maybe once every two months for long distance calls and never while driving. It always has good reception and I’ve never had a call drop unlike the bling-bling phones that my daughter and her husband use.

  3. I still don’t have a cell phone. BUT, the next time my car breaks down and I have to walk a loooong way to a pay phone, then have no coin, (or beg a store clerk) to call the xAA for help and then walk all the way back in a brutal storm to be with the car when they arrive I’ll get one.

    Ok, tomorrow I’m getting one…

  4. Great rant. I, too, am a cell phone hold-out. I thought that I was the only one in the so-called civilized world to not have one of those damn things permanently attached to my hand/head. I’ve actually had one, a time or two, but never for very long. I detest the addiction that people have to them and it amuses me how you can see a crowd of young (and not-so-young folks) out and about and most of them are looking down at their little screens and the ones that aren’t, are deep into some just-can’t-wait conversation about next to nothing. What do people have to talk about every minute of every day? Up until now, people did just fine without all of this, and while it can be cool to have such instant communication, it’s mostly used for idle chatter and just plain old bullshit. I have a 53 year-old brother that will drive you crazy with all of the stupid little sound effects on his phone and his daughter will literally call him from the next room.

    One time I was sitting at a red light. Not moving. Motionless. A young girl, talking on her phone, rounded the corner and nearly hit me head-on. She swerved at the last second and–you guessed it, flipped ME the bird!

    I now have a new job and it looks like I’m going to be forced to get one of the damn things after all. Damnit.

  5. I have a normal beep noise for my text alert but I have to admit to having the Wonder Woman theme song as my ring tone. In my defence I get many more texts than calls and Wonder Woman is awesome!

  6. I gave up my personal cell phone two years ago and life has been great! I do not know how I lived with it for so long. The dang thing drives me crazy. I enjoyed it when it came in handy, of course, like when the car broke down or something like that.
    People have come to believe that if you have a cell phone you have no excuse to pick up when they call.

    I do have a work phone and it drives me nuts. It does have it’s advantages. I refuse to give anyone I work with my home number and when I am done working I just turn it off and relax.

  7. I become a hermit when I don’t feel like being bothered, I don’t answer my home phone, I have a machine. Most of the time my cell phone is in the other room anyhow, so I don’t hear it ring, they can be turned off as well. I don’t feel the need to be “connected”.

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