New U.S. Tax Return for Conservatives

Form 1980: U.S. Income Tax Return for CONSERVATIVES


1. Name of Man of the House _________, III

2. Name of wife or other dependents __________________

3. Addresses of all homes and real estate holdings, including vacation homes, rental properties, chateaux and archipelagos _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________, _________.

4. E-mail address

5. Golf handicap ____

5a. Get a load of this guy! Come on, your ACTUAL golf handicap 😉 ____

6. Presidential Re-Impeachment Fund. Please check here if you’d like $3 to go toward re-impeaching President Clinton ___


7. Number of times you have taken the sacred, eternal vow of marriage between one man and one woman __

8. Amount of monthly alimony payments __,___ 9. Are you running for public office? Y/N

10. If you answered “no” to the above, how many undocumented immigrants do you have gardening for you? ______


11. Total amount of hard-earned wages, executive compensation and inheritance subject to plunder by the federal government __,000,000.00

12. If you made more than $14 billion in profits in 2010, we have some good news! Please skip to form 1120-GE (see below).


Please deduct the following non-taxable expenses/hardships:

13. Total expenditures on SUVs, American flags, flag lapel-pins and outdoor Nativity sets ______

14. Cost of spray-tans, breast implants and NASCAR-themed cell phone belt clips ______

15. Total costs incurred diverting wife’s, congregation’s or constituents’ attention away from weekend “wine tasting” trip with your “fitness trainer,” Alberto ______


16. Please check here if your accountant is in federal prison __


Please answer the following questions to determine if you need to file additional forms:

17. Do you believe Noah’s ark was real, and that dinosaur fossils were planted on Earth by the devil? __

18. If you answered “you betcha,” please attach form 1773, below. —————


U.S. Tax Form 1773 for TEA PARTY PATRIOTS


1. Name as listed on your OFFICIAL birth certificate 😉 ____________________


2. Number of wives or home-schooled dependents __

3. Race ______ (if non-white, may we use your photo in our promotional materials?)

4. Number of “stand-offs” with federal agents during 2010 ___

5. Palin Reagan Rushmore Fund. Please check here if you’d like $3 to go toward funding a reality show in which the Palin family carves Ronald Reagan’s head onto Mount Rushmore __


6. Total value of guns and gold in your home/bunker ______


7. Which New Testament character would you most like to dine with at the Cheesecake Factory? ______


8. Taxes are unconstitutional __ Yes

9. I want my country back! __ Now

10. Total tax due (paid “in protest”) ______ ————–

3 thoughts on “New U.S. Tax Return for Conservatives”

  1. THIS is why I love me some B&P! Fair, balanced and fun! Kind of like SNL in the old days–sticking it to everyone, no matter their affiliation! Thanks Jonco!!

  2. The only problem with the Conservative filing is that it mixes Conservatives and Libertarians into one group. Trust me, we are not the same…

Comments are closed.