New U.S. Income Tax return for Liberals

Form 1969: U.S. Income Tax Return for LIBERALS


1. Legal name ___________________________

2. Yoga name ___________________________


3. Single ____

4. Married ____

5. Gay-Married ____

6. Define yourself on the gender spectrum (with 1 being Boy George and 10 being Lady Gaga) _____

7. Guantanamo Compost-Bin Fund. Please check here if you’d like $3 to go toward installing compost bins in the U.S. detention camp at Guantanamo Bay __


8. Please provide the address(es) where you lived in Canada from 1969 to 1973 _____, _____, _____, _____.


9. Wages earned from government agencies, non-profits, or from teaching Pilates to homeless folks _______

9a. “Blood money” earned from for-profit exploits ________

10. Check here to donate the total amount in line 9a, above, to Clowns Without Borders __


11. Number of dependents, including roommates, squatters or people with whom you feel a “deep connection” ______

12. Number of human beings, denied the privilege of U.S. citizenship simply by accident of their birth, whom you allow to clean your toilets ______


Please deduct the following non-taxable expenses/hardships:

13. Total value of all Toyota Priuses in household ______

14. Amount spent on fair-trade coffee/quinoa/Hacky Sacks ______

15. Credit for water saved by not showering ______

16. Value of total miles biked in 2010, expressed in terms of degrees Fahrenheit reduction in global warming ______

17. Value of the irony inherent in the fact that we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong ______


18. Congratulations! You are entitled to a tax refund, and the government will still have enough money to expand. Shhh. It will all work out; just sign here ____________


To determine if you need to file additional forms, please check any of the following statements that you believe to be true:

19. The white streaks left in the sky by airplanes are “chemtrails” that contain biological/mind-control substances sprayed by the government __

20. The moon landing was faked __

If you checked any of the boxes above, please attach Schedule 420-EZ for “Medical” Marijuana Users (see below).

Schedule 420 EZ: “Medical” Marijuana Tax Form

1. Did you sell/smoke “hella” buds in 2010? __ Sure did.

1a. About how many joints/ounces/pounds? __ (a “guesstimate” will do)

2. What were the primary diagnoses being treated?

2a. Unclassifiable disease or general “vibe” __

2b. Marijuana Deficiency __

3. Is it cool if you pay some taxes?

3a. Dude! LAME to ask me that right now __

3b. Ummmm? __

3c. Right on! __

4. If you answered “right on,” would you prefer to pay your taxes in cash, or barter with Phish tickets and/or bananas? (circle one) ————–

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