New Years Resolutions for Pets 1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt. 2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars. 3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows. 5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around. 6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush my ass. 8. Always scoot before licking. 9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much. 10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year. 11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets… 12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.