Laundry stain removal guide

Shirt stainsBlood – Spill more blood around area of stain so it won’t stand out as much.

Ink – Fall to knees and plead, “Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?”

Grass – Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud – Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Tomato Sauce – Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee – Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine – Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain.

Chewing Gum – Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish – Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing “homecrafted” look?