Disclaimer: I do not personally know Gwyneth Paltrow. I’ve never met her, or anyone who works for her in any capacity. This is satire. I have zero real information as to what any part of her body smells like. I am happy with this condition, and hope to maintain it.

Okay, one day, after smoking some very seriously superior pot, Gwyneth Paltrow attended a meeting with her marketing people. She had already been able to sell rocks to stash inside of a woman’s vagina. The jade colored rocks sold for $66.00 American, and she eventually paid out over $145,000.00 in a lawsuit when the claims they were a health benefit turned out to be less than factual.

Google the installation methods and removal. Don’t try this at home while you are drinking.

Needless to say, the “Jade Egg” fiasco damaged her bottom line, no pun intended, so Gwyneth was looking for something else to (1) Spark Interest in her company, Goop, and (2) get the word vagina back into the conversation, because that sold a lot of jade eggs.  No doubt, her fingers smelled like pot, and suddenly the idea hit her, and she inadvertently said out loud, “We can sell candles that smell like my vagina!”  Seriously, can you think of any other way someone might have come up with the idea? I’m all ears.

The marketing people quickly fell out into one of three groups:
(1) Those who skills were professional, and these were men and women who had spent a long time in school, and had worked hard. There were only a few left, but they ran for the door, screaming.
(2) Those who realized even a terrible idea with an unsellable product would generate thousands, maybe even millions of webpage hits, and therefore the advertising would pay for any disaster the product might actually cause.
(3) Those who thought there would be people stupid enough to pay good money for a candle that might actually smell as advertised.

First, a generalization on scent. My dogs smell like dogs. But if they are wet, or they are dirty, they have different smells, and some of these are not pleasant. Furthermore, if the dogs have rolled in something dirty, or have been playing rough with one another, they smell powerfully doggish, and it is not good.

You see where I’m coming from, don’t you? I mean, this could be very realistic, and very terrible.

The marketing people in the room who voted for realism were quickly beaten into submission by those who were a little more pragmatic. They came up with, I assume, a rather floral scent that comes nowhere near reality.

Right now, even as I very soberly type this, Goop is sold out of these candles, which are going for $75.00 American. Yes, sold out. Yes, seventy-five bucks.

Why?

I can’t answer that question. Clearly, I cannot afford one of those candles. If I could afford one, I’d go to Captain D’s fast food fried fish and order the fried clam basket and call it a day, and save the rest of the money.

Take Care,
Mike